Angry Tide Of Vegans Swarms The DM Inbox Of A Young Man (Me) Who Simply Wanted To Play With His Food Before Killing It

I was home in Maine for the weekend, getting back to my roots and beefing up on the fruit of the sea. It’s really great to get home in the summer, when the mosquitoes are the size of bald eagles and the water becomes a bathtub at 58 degrees. As we were cooking dinner Saturday night, I decided to have a little fun with our ingredients. I put together that silly little vid with the lobsters and had the idea to tag it with #VeganRecipes for my own amusement. Really wasn’t a huge deal, just an Instagram story. Gone in 24 hours, stupid voices, nothing too high-brow. But as it turns out, the vegans did not appreciate it. The DMs flooded in like a red tide. Some were hurt, others were disgusted, and all were deeply offended. Here are some of my favorites:

Check out Feelings McGee over here! Ruined his weekend because of my little puppet show of death. Hey bubba, I’d encourage you to bottle those emotions until you find a lady who lifts enough weight to protect the both of you from muggers. Until then…

Sounds good, Pocahontas. I’ll let you know when that day comes. And for the record, I do respect life–I eat EVERY part of the lobster. I use my teeth to pull the meat out of the legs like they’re candy straws; I eat the fins inside the tail flippers. When I toss that carcass in the compost, there is NOTHING left except the eyeballs, that green shit in the body, and the poop. And sometimes I eat that too, depending on the season.

Huh, there’s a lot on this plate. Dude really turned his complaint into a bouillabaisse of hate.

Bouillabaisse: a rich, spicy stew made with various types of fish and seafood. Also, a word that is not understood by those who routinely order chicken parmesan at restaurants, or who don’t read books. 

Not sure if he saw my wood-chopping video, but clearly I come from good genetic stock. Empty inside? Maybe. Had to clear out all my feelings to make space for protein, which I’ll consume in any form, be it rabbit, goat, cow, pig, fish, or LOBSTAH!

Classic vegan. Makes it all about herself. You wanna talk about cruel? I just boiled a fucking lobster alive, and you’re saying it’s cruel to YOU? You just had to watch it, dweeb. Put yourself in the lobster’s claws. That’s like saying “I can’t believe my 7th-grade teacher made me read ‘Night’ by Elie Wiesel. She’s so cruel.” Hey imaginary, perspective-lacking Francis: reading a book about the horrors of the Holocaust isn’t cruel; the Holocaust was cruel. Don’t make it about yourself, you fucking ginger cunt.

But I would never say something that self-absorbed. Because I’m not a vegan.

Because I’m an egalitarian, I decided to throw the vegans a bone (shell?) I did some research on lobsters and whether or not they feel pain, and here’s what I found:

Business Insider- The Lobster Institute in Maine argues that the lobster’s primitive nervous system is most similar to the nervous system of an insect. And while lobsters react to sudden stimulus, like twitching their tails when placed in boiling water, the institute suggests that they do not have complex brains that allow them to process pain like humans and other animals do.

“Cooking a lobster is like cooking a big bug,” said Robert Bayer, executive director of the Lobster Institute. He added: “Do you have the same concern when you kill a fly or a mosquito?”

We will never know how the lobster feels. That’s why the Lobster Institute focuses on ways to cook lobster so that “it minimizes our own trauma,” said Bayer.

There it is again, folks. Me, me, me-gan. There’s no “I” in Vegan, but there certainly is a “nag.” (There’s also a “vag.” Deadspin, you up?) The only reason people have a problem with cooking lobsters alive is because it’s traumatic for those people. All these complaints I received were reactions to their own trauma, as opposed to feelings of sympathy for the lobsters. Get over yourselves, there are animals dying! God help me if I ever get invited to a vegan’s birthday party and don’t behave EXACTLY how she/he wants me to behave on her/his special day (let’s just say her from now on, we’re all picturing women here).

In closing, I’m siding with science: lobsters don’t have brains, so they don’t feel pain. Vegans use their dietary platform as a smoke-screen for their own agenda. Or maybe a steam-screen? lol.